“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
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[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
*Inspirational Tweets*
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
me hooking up with my ex
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.