@amydillon

“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting

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@crunchenhancer

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

@djdarrellripley

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

@Henry_3000

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

@VisionBored1

Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally

@_Water_Baby

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

@Rohit_And_Run

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

@momTruthBomb

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

@5tevieM

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together