“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Respect
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Selfie
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.