@amydillon

“Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!”

-me, parenting

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@KylePlantEmoji

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

@anerdonfire2

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

@adambedders

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

@t0shiba

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

@steveolivas

Almost fell on the ice this morning.

In a split second, I had to choose between saving my life or saving my coffee.

Now I’m alive with no coffee.
And questioning my judgment.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

@Jake_Vig

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

@realHamOnWry

According to the most current magazine in this doctor’s office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.

@Jandalize

Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?