I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
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Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.