@TaylorVirtue

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

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@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@NeptunePhoenix

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

@Jenny4ashley

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

@Mister_Burnham

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

@CantWaitToNap

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

@BuckyIsotope

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

@JohnLyonTweets

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

@DrizzyTheType

Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.

@MyLife2567

I save the good stuff for when I have company and that’s why you never see it.