GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

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I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.



Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual


Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.


(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?


Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.


I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.


Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.


Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?


I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.