[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
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Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
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Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
i would wish you the best but i am the best
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It’s 5050.
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me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
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BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.