I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
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My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov