Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Yup
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
We’ve all been there…
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…