@WittySassBasket

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@itshotterhere

I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.

@Bob_Janke

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

@juliussharpe

Dating is basically lying to women about how you like to travel.

@obijawn

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

@Brianhopecomedy

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.