@GeekWithCurls

Guys, I have an announcement to make.

I’ve decided to use the quarantine as an opportunity to rekindle my marriage.

Everyone here knows we are struggling, and this may be the last shot I have at reconnecting.

Hahaha just kidding is Amazon still shipping shovels?

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@IveGotMutuals

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

@theflipgod

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

@DamnitJosh

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

@seandunn76

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

@thepunningman

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

@mrjohntofu

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

@jonnysun

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

@SherBoBer

Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.

@DurtMcHurtt

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.