I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.
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WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.
He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.
“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”
“Depends how many cars roll over it”
I should do Kids TV shows.
I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*