I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
peak technology
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot