@nerdreign

Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.

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@ElgatoEsmio

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

@psybermonkey

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

@purplefuzzygirl

Damn boy! Are you a slinky?

Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.

@AimeeHelene1

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

@QwertyJones3

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

@ThugRaccoons

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

@MelvinofYork

She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well

@JermHimselfish

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.