Guys, I have to stop cyber-bullying North Korea. They called my mom.

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I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em


WAITER: Ready to order?

GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!

W: We cannot


W: Again no


[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions


Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this


Wifi- Are you comfortable? Like really comfortable?
Me- Yeah, why?
Wifi- BYE


[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]


I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond.

He climbed on my “corpse” for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.


“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”

“Depends how many cars roll over it”

I should do Kids TV shows.


I dont mean to brag, ladies, but I can turn on most appliances with one finger


*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*