Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
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Netflix: We have Less
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING