Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
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I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Am I having a stroke?
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
⚠️ Important Reminder:
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
dutch is not a serious language
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*