Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
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One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.