Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
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Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash