Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation
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I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
I’m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat’s hair grows back.
I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.
I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit