Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation

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[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist


I’m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat’s hair grows back.


I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.


I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.


Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.


When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.


Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.


You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit