@TheRohiniReddy

Guys, I only wanna hear about your ex if she is dead.If you still talk about her, I’ll murder her so we can have an interesting conversation

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@AbbieEvansXO

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

@shkeeber

I’m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat’s hair grows back.

@ManvAlcohol

I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.

@Mikecanrant

I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.

@Darlainky

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

@Jam453Lane

When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.

@MrT1M

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

@angryhobgoblin

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit