Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
not for long
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
This guy’s not having it 😆
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.