@jackiecarbajal

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

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@OllyiConic

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

@schumoo

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

@Mr_Kapowski

Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP

Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.

@MavenofHonor

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

@DirtMcTurd

I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…

@MommaUnfiltered

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

@SCbchbum

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what