wife: i’m going into labor
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
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Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP
Clown 1: My VW Bug. I’m driving the carpool. It’s Streisand.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now but I’m still proud…
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
me: wait for what