I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
#titanic
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat