God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.