guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

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Officer 1: I’ll handle this

*comes back with conspicuous gravy stain*

Officer 2: What was that?

Officer 1: Just a poutine traffic stop


“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man


If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.


*proposes to girlfriend*

*accidentally drops ring in the street*

“I’ll still marry you”

Sorry, I’m married to the streets now


Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry


Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese!
Me: Wait – did you say ‘or’ cheese?
Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I’m a cop


Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.


For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.