Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
guilty
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
this has done me in for some reason
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
🍛
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.