Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
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Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding