Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
You Might Also Like
Everything reminds me of my ex
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.