@PaulyPeligroso

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

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@UncleBob56

What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?

No? …Oh, you want another beer.

@eminmien

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

@elunatyk

*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

@mommajessiec

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

@abbycohenwl

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

@YSylon

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

@BuckyIsotope

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won