Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

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What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?

No? …Oh, you want another beer.


My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.


*My parents at my birth*

Mom: she’s beautiful

Dad: she’s perfect.

Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.


I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.


Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.


I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”


Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.


OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won