The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
You Might Also Like
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Only short people can save us
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets