i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
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When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait