Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up


Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.



Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*


Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.


Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?!
Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.


ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.


[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL


[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.


[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps