Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Saw online –
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be