Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …
Me: Tell my gf my phone password?
LS: Break every bone in your body
M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”
friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I cannot handle my parents 😭😭😭😂😂
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Interviewer: Where were you born?
I: What state are you in now?
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.