@Jason_Horton

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

You Might Also Like

@Sean_Burgundy_

Loan shark: If you’re late my guys will …

Me: Tell my gf my phone password?

LS: Break every bone in your body

M: Oh. Yeah that’s fine

@AndrewChamings

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

@AndrewNadeau0

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

@rolldiggity

A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else’s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.

@JiminyKicksIt

Interviewer: “So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.”

@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

@ch000ch

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

@envydatropic

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

@Sarcasticsapien

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.