*finally detangles ear buds
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
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I kid you not.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Me: A 3-hour movie?! Who does that?!
Also me: I will now watch all 13 hours of this tv series in one sitting.
ICE Cold Fact: If somebody owes you money… Put on your mask and pop up at their crib right now… They’re Home.
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps