Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
When you’re here for the treats.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.