@mrsmith196645

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

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@SaltyCorpse

Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?

@bobvulfov

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

@Skoog

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

@XplodingUnicorn

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

@liv_thatsme

*babysitting*

Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

@PaulFrei

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

@artcarlson

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.