Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.