Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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Do you ever go back and read your old tweets and wonder, “My God… What was I on and do I have any left?”?
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?
HER: If you could have any pet—
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Oh so you like stuff? Name three stuff.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.