The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
You Might Also Like
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My brain is a bad influence on me
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
It’s an epidemic…
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Cats are still liquid.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith