Guys, I’m writing a Pixar Scrabble movie. It’s about a Blank Tile that feels pressure to choose a letter identity. It cost $350 million & if you don’t like it you’re a bad person.

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me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this


The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.


wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework


[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now



IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.


Damnnnnn gurl… I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.


Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.