@danadonly

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

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@gentilecoont

Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

@envydatropic

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

@_ElvishPresley_

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

@iMonkGreen

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

@GregorJFord

Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!

@suecorvette

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

@JessicaVarsity

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

@craydrienne

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie