guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

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Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.


WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why


It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.


judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do


Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?


Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!


interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged


I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.


1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie