guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
[eats all your cotton candy]
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes