Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..