guys i’ve cracked the code
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.