Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
You Might Also Like
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
So that’s what we looked like?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
This is amazing.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.