@TheBoydP

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

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@GlennyRodge

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

@armyVet1972

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

@64spoons

Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me

@Darlainky

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

@pinningnut

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

@dancingchimera

That’s me in the pantry. That’s me in the bright light, eating my Doritos.

@ericsshadow

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea