Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
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Strangers have the best candy.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it