Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
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[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
There鈥檚 nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone鈥檚 email address.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
12: I can鈥檛 wait to be an adult.
Me: I can鈥檛 wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid馃槶馃槀
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I backed my car into my husband鈥檚 car once when we were dating and for 25 years he鈥檚 not parked behind me.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
When you can鈥檛 find your friend Neil
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.