Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Guys, leave 3 notes scattered around ur house for ur girlfriend that say “Will”, “you”, & “me.” That’ll keep her busy while u watch sports.
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This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Sometimes a family is walking towards you taking up the entire sidewalk and you have no choice but to just become part of that family.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
College: lol ikr?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.