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@QueenofSparta

Dog HQ

Dog leader: the catpocalypse has begun
Dog 1: destroy the fluffies
Dog 2: we’ll take ’em down
007: meow. I mean, right on

@dru0887

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

@5hael

NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers

@AtticusFinch79

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

@Ristolable

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

@daddydoubts

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

@ninjadinosaur1

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.