I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
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Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website