‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
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If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking