Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
You Might Also Like
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”