Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
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You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!