@Easy_Tiger__: Guys remember: if you encounter a girl in her natural habitat, don't panic. She's just as scared as you. Make loud noises, she will run off.
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@my_minivan_life: Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
@Ideal_Victoria: Coworker: *sneezes* Me: Bless you CW: *sneezes* M: Bless you CW: *sneezes* M: Bless you CW: *sneezes* M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
@SissiSay: Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (...and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)