*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
road rage
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
12653.
Did my cat write this
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.