Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
You Might Also Like
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos