I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
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me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
How high do the levels go?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.