@simoncholland

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

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@ericsshadow

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

@o__0Dev

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

@iAmDelFreaky

I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.

@JillBidenVeep

Joe: Just met with Secret Service
Barack: Oh yea?
Joe: I got them to agree to call Trump “David S. Pumpkins”

@notseriouslyamy

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

@TheBeerGuy73

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

@crunchenhanced

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.