Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
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You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything