Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.