Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.


Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.


I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.


“That’s Superman, that’s Batman, and that’s Cyborg. If you won’t call them by their names, I can’t play with you anymore.” – me to my 5yo.


date: what’s your dream job?

me: designing food stats for RPGs

date: umm ok… *sips water*

me: [under breath] -2 thirst


I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.


BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.


Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree


Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.