Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“That’s Superman, that’s Batman, and that’s Cyborg. If you won’t call them by their names, I can’t play with you anymore.” – me to my 5yo.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I’m impecunious.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Putting all my laundry out on the clothesline so it smells like my neighbour’s BBQ.