Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.