Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
me adding lol on a serious message
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.