Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
You Might Also Like
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!