I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
But is it really??
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you