Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
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I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Every time my phone rings