Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.