@ojedge

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

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@TheBoydP

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@DBMaxP

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

@kumailn

Advertisers think we’re like “Oh a pop-up ad is in the way of the thing I actually want to watch? I should purchase whatever it’s selling!”

@FunnyMojoJojo

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

@trgrrl

me: hurt me

her: only 1% of all ancient literature survived

me: n-no…

her: for instance, the gallic sack of rome completely wiped out the true story of the founding of rome, forcing historians to rely on roman propaganda and legends

me: stop

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

@SortaBad

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over πŸ˜‰
P: can’t. Kidnapped πŸ™
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

@wittwitbarista

My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.