Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one