Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
You Might Also Like
God, I love Scotland
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.