Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

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“exorcise” and “exercise” sound alike because they’re both the work of the Devil


hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
?it’s just a bruuuise ?


James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”


“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”


No wonder dinosaurs went extinct. They were made of bones. If they’d had some organs and muscles they’d probably still be here.


Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”


Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.


Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.


if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS


[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man